When I started this post, I was feeling badly because I saw similarities between someone quite sick and myself. I wondered if I was still that sick or if I was doing better. It's so hard to tell. I read an excellent one-word description of mental illness: crippling . Everything is crippled or at least compromised when one is mentally ill. Self, family, friends, possessions, jobs, trust; the list is endless. The fear of relapsing is tremendous, sometimes overwhelming. Backward is not a good direction. What if something kicks out? What if something just snaps and * poof * I'm diving back into the completely dead darkness of my mind; pulling away from everyone and everything; wanting to be anywhere but here. The pain and suffering this causes my family is horrendous. Things have happened so often though, that it's the "norm" now. No one reacts or gets too worked up. Shit happens and it will go one way or another. How much worse can it be than it has been? Each tim