Tulip's Tantrums

I retract my blog of yesterday. Kendrick is a very accomplished artist. T

Let's try this for the 3rd freakin' time. Gawd I hate this blogger program sometimes! Yesterday was Project Semicolon Day. This is from my facebook. Twyla Pierce My tattoo is an infinity symbol for my marriage. A heart to signify my family being surrounded by love. My Mom's name - I lost her in '91 to brain aneurysms. Finally, my semicolon. This is going to sound kind of morbid, but I earned that semicolon. I earned it by failing which led to getting treated and getting better. I've got this!! Starr Nicole I relate to this so much! The last part "This is going to sound kind of morbid, but I earned that semicolon. I earned it by failing which led to getting treated and getting better. I've got this!!" That's the same reason I got mine. I had two failed at...See More Twyla Pierce Starr Nicole Very freaky how our thoughts mimic one another. Well, you know what they say about great minds. Have you got your semicolon yet? If not, what...

"... was described by the Pulitzer committee as a "virtuosic song collection unified by its vernacular authenticity and rhythmic dynamism that offers affecting vignettes capturing the complexity of modern African-American life." Let's decipher the committee's recognition first. In PLAIN language, the Pulitzer committee said Kendrick's technical and difficult song collection brought together by its real, native African-American language, and powerful music that gives glimpses of the complexity of modern African-American life." I question what about this young man's music is so different than all the other rap out right now? What specifically about this young man stood out to the committee? Now don't get me wrong - I like a lot of rap. After reading these lyrics, though, I find myself lacking. Drugs, crime, degrading women ... that may be the reality of some African-Americans, but it's certainly not all. You could argue that he's no dif...

Here. Here I sit. Here I sit in my office. Here I sit in my office, in my house, on the earth. (You thought I was going to go through everything, didn't you? LOL) Yesterday was a hard day, but with help. I went out and spent some time with Breanna. Bean was sleeping so we had a really good talk. It was nice. It was so good for me to get dressed and get out of the house. I have to try to do that more often. It's definitely an area of weakness for me. When I got home, Andy came over with tea and we visited for a bit. It was nice to see him. The distraction was welcomed as well. Speaking of getting out - I miss volunteering at the courthouse. Sonja's currently off work, so I'm not sure if she would still be able to get me there or if I would have to speak with someone else. I'll get hold of Sonja soon. That would be nice again. Briefly spoke with Drey on the phone. We're going to get together this week for a sit down - to air things out. Spring clean....

I'm thinking about my mortality again and I'm upset. I'm concerned that I'm going to get prematurely stuck in a closet, left to rot. Darrin is my only advocate when it comes to my mental health. He's the only one who's lived through it all. He's the only one who understands what things are like for me. He knows how things work and what happens and all the intricacies of dealing with the mental health system. He doesn't believe I'm crazy, whether I'm manic or depressed or level. He trusts me to know what is best for my body and mind. He pays attention to me and recognizes when things are changing. He sees things before I do and tips me off that something may be coming. He is truly my Rock. Our kids. I thought being raised by a parent with a mood disorder would enable them to be more sensitive and understanding when it comes to mental illness. While I know they have a better understanding than most people, the empathy fluctuates. I think it...

You say: You are demanding. You always expect us to help you. Our 80 year old neighbour does more than you. You never give us time. Yes, we said you're welcome, but now that we're both working we have less time to fit things in. You make us wonder if we shouldn't have bought in the Fort - maybe we should've picked the city. I hear: I am bad. I'm lazy. I bother others. My 'support network' has gotten smaller yet again. I'm not a priority. I didn't give enough. I was and still am a critical and detestable mother. I carried you, raised you, let you and your fiance live with us for 17 months so you could buy a house in Fort Saskatchewan . Time for me to quit writing. That last sentence was a tad snippy. Just part of being a bad person, I guess. Toodles.

Still. Pinball. Tired. Confused. Critical. Powerless. Hurt. Lonely. Dismayed. Inadequate. Vulnerable. Alone. Averse. Facetious. Depressed. Hesitant. Sad. Still.

Given my last post, I feel it necessary to point out someone who means the world to me: Auntie Bonnie. I was having a very, very bad day and talked with her on fb. She immediately dropped everything and called me. Just so I could hear her voice and so she could hear mine. I played off everything I was feeling and going through. She asked the right questions, showed concern without being condescending and was just there. She was just there when I needed her, asking and listening and helping me through my world, as dysfunctional as it is. I love you my friend. PS - Miss you Kalyssa and Booboo

I discovered something today. No matter how low you are or how much you need to talk with someone, almost no one will say anything ... including your own family. I was told that I could lean on certain family members anytime I needed them. I could call, text, go over ... no matter what, they'd be there for me. I explained what could happen and how I could feel. I thought I did a good job preparing them. Well ... As you know, I was very suicidal a few weeks ago. Kiershyn and Joanna didn't understand where I was at or what I was saying. The thought I was being selfish and all the other things attributed to someone with a mood disorder. Last night was a bad night. There were a lot of places I could think of to be other than in my house. I called Drey to see what they were doing. In a rushed voice, he rambled through he and Jo finally having a night and morning to themselves (what was the night before that??) and they wanted to be alone. OBVIOUSLY, Joanna had today off, or th...