I discovered something today. No matter how low you are or how much you need to talk with someone, almost no one will say anything ... including your own family.
I was told that I could lean on certain family members anytime I needed them. I could call, text, go over ... no matter what, they'd be there for me. I explained what could happen and how I could feel. I thought I did a good job preparing them. Well ...
As you know, I was very suicidal a few weeks ago. Kiershyn and Joanna didn't understand where I was at or what I was saying. The thought I was being selfish and all the other things attributed to someone with a mood disorder.
Last night was a bad night. There were a lot of places I could think of to be other than in my house. I called Drey to see what they were doing. In a rushed voice, he rambled through he and Jo finally having a night and morning to themselves (what was the night before that??) and they wanted to be alone. OBVIOUSLY, Joanna had today off, or the morning wouldn't have meant anything to them.
This is where our mental health information is failing us. Most people don't understand that sometimes means NOW, not later, not after supper, just now. I really needed to spend time with them last night and I felt like I was handed a line. This seems to be coming up more and more with Drey and Jo - I guess they didn't realize how much help I do need with things.
Speaking of needing help, I wonder if other people pay their families to do things for them. I paid Drey and Jo to do the walks and driveway last year. I paid them to walk Jax. I paid them to clean the house. Now, in fairness I would expect to be paid for some of those things as well. But absolutely everything with D&J has to be paid. Hmmm Now I've got Muffin walking Jax for 30-60 minutes ($20) and he's loving it. I think he really enjoys when Joanna walks him too because she'll jog him.
I'm probably just being too sensitive. I'm still suffering with this damn depression and also feel like I'm cycling. Not really sure that I'm cycling - I'm just so up and down and all around, but that could just be me settling in to "normal", whatever the fuck that's going to be this time.
You know, this kick out really hit me this time. I FINALLY realized that this is going to happen again. I'm going to get depressed again and will have to drag myself up and out of the bog, dry myself off and hope I don't kill myself. I'm going to get manic again and buy something stupid or do something stupid or gawd knows what. And it's going to keep going and going and going. This is the rest of my fucking life! There will be no compassionate ending or dying with dignity. I will be forced to live my days with anxiety and depression and lucriousy. I will never be able to say enough is enough and choose to the close the door. My "personal directive" will be never be honoured, either by my chosen person or any of my family. It is just plain fucking stupid.
Having accepted that this is my lot in life, how do I deal with it? There are all those wonky things to do: CBT, DBT, LMNOP ... you get the idea. There's always something to try, but very very little I haven't tried already. Something that is definitely a detriment to me is my thirst for knowledge, and a need to research what is happening with me or my family or friends. Because of this, I already know what to expect and tend to have (what I believe - who knows, maybe I'm on crack) higher levels of conversation with Dr. Woods. I like being informed and knowing what's coming. Unfortunately, I didn't realize until this time that it was going to be a forever thing. That really pisses me off. But it's something that needs to be dealt with.
I believe the CBD helps. I haven't started the drops yet, but have given them to the dogs. I haven't noticed any difference in either of them (Jax or Ellie) nor have I noticed Joni not favouring her leg. There's a very good chance I don't have them on the correct dose, but I've been gone so much I haven't wanted to start them on it when I can't observe their behaviour and such.
Well, that's enough bitching for now. Time to do some other work. Only 5 sleeps until Dary's home!! Woohoo!!
Just a side note: we've picked the spot where we're going to park the trailer for the summer. Rocky Meadows Country-Getaway. We were completely looking for the kids, not us or the dogs. This place is up by Bonnyville, has a pond (no fish yet), big playground, swimming bouncy house, you-pick berries, mini-golf, a store and paintball (but you have to be 12 to play). I drove up yesterday and took a look and picked our spot. I think it will be a lot of fun, especially if Braunt and Bre can bring their trailer and stay up with us for a few days. Just learned that our cost is $2500 for the season, and that includes winter storage!!!! It's 2 hours away, which was our max distance, and has loads of old buildings on the way up. I can't wait until Ary and Hendrix see it!!
Toodles!
I was told that I could lean on certain family members anytime I needed them. I could call, text, go over ... no matter what, they'd be there for me. I explained what could happen and how I could feel. I thought I did a good job preparing them. Well ...
As you know, I was very suicidal a few weeks ago. Kiershyn and Joanna didn't understand where I was at or what I was saying. The thought I was being selfish and all the other things attributed to someone with a mood disorder.
Last night was a bad night. There were a lot of places I could think of to be other than in my house. I called Drey to see what they were doing. In a rushed voice, he rambled through he and Jo finally having a night and morning to themselves (what was the night before that??) and they wanted to be alone. OBVIOUSLY, Joanna had today off, or the morning wouldn't have meant anything to them.
This is where our mental health information is failing us. Most people don't understand that sometimes means NOW, not later, not after supper, just now. I really needed to spend time with them last night and I felt like I was handed a line. This seems to be coming up more and more with Drey and Jo - I guess they didn't realize how much help I do need with things.
Speaking of needing help, I wonder if other people pay their families to do things for them. I paid Drey and Jo to do the walks and driveway last year. I paid them to walk Jax. I paid them to clean the house. Now, in fairness I would expect to be paid for some of those things as well. But absolutely everything with D&J has to be paid. Hmmm Now I've got Muffin walking Jax for 30-60 minutes ($20) and he's loving it. I think he really enjoys when Joanna walks him too because she'll jog him.
I'm probably just being too sensitive. I'm still suffering with this damn depression and also feel like I'm cycling. Not really sure that I'm cycling - I'm just so up and down and all around, but that could just be me settling in to "normal", whatever the fuck that's going to be this time.
You know, this kick out really hit me this time. I FINALLY realized that this is going to happen again. I'm going to get depressed again and will have to drag myself up and out of the bog, dry myself off and hope I don't kill myself. I'm going to get manic again and buy something stupid or do something stupid or gawd knows what. And it's going to keep going and going and going. This is the rest of my fucking life! There will be no compassionate ending or dying with dignity. I will be forced to live my days with anxiety and depression and lucriousy. I will never be able to say enough is enough and choose to the close the door. My "personal directive" will be never be honoured, either by my chosen person or any of my family. It is just plain fucking stupid.
Having accepted that this is my lot in life, how do I deal with it? There are all those wonky things to do: CBT, DBT, LMNOP ... you get the idea. There's always something to try, but very very little I haven't tried already. Something that is definitely a detriment to me is my thirst for knowledge, and a need to research what is happening with me or my family or friends. Because of this, I already know what to expect and tend to have (what I believe - who knows, maybe I'm on crack) higher levels of conversation with Dr. Woods. I like being informed and knowing what's coming. Unfortunately, I didn't realize until this time that it was going to be a forever thing. That really pisses me off. But it's something that needs to be dealt with.
I believe the CBD helps. I haven't started the drops yet, but have given them to the dogs. I haven't noticed any difference in either of them (Jax or Ellie) nor have I noticed Joni not favouring her leg. There's a very good chance I don't have them on the correct dose, but I've been gone so much I haven't wanted to start them on it when I can't observe their behaviour and such.
Well, that's enough bitching for now. Time to do some other work. Only 5 sleeps until Dary's home!! Woohoo!!
Just a side note: we've picked the spot where we're going to park the trailer for the summer. Rocky Meadows Country-Getaway. We were completely looking for the kids, not us or the dogs. This place is up by Bonnyville, has a pond (no fish yet), big playground, swimming bouncy house, you-pick berries, mini-golf, a store and paintball (but you have to be 12 to play). I drove up yesterday and took a look and picked our spot. I think it will be a lot of fun, especially if Braunt and Bre can bring their trailer and stay up with us for a few days. Just learned that our cost is $2500 for the season, and that includes winter storage!!!! It's 2 hours away, which was our max distance, and has loads of old buildings on the way up. I can't wait until Ary and Hendrix see it!!
Toodles!
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