Tulip's Tantrums

Living can kill you. Hindsight shows again what I should have been watching for. The ups and downs, too much or too little, feeling feelings or feeling nothing and being f'd up. I failed again. No matter that I have done everything "right" for so long ... it shrinks and almost disappears and then it blows up to so fast and violently, it takes my breath. Stop breathing. Sometimes things would be a lot better if all breathing stopped for 10 minutes. "Haha, but then I'd be dead!?" It gets larger and larger and larger, growing to immense proportions, stretching tighter and tighter, having more and more trouble thinking and reasoning and trying to formulate a plan and keep it all together and do this and do that ... stretching, growing, thinning, MAKE IT STOP ... POP! blackness i described naked, alone, lying on a cold - it feels like a rock - uneven and sharp i feel nothing, can see nothing, hear nothing, no one nothing don't move don't blink just go

Early morning darkness, coldest point, no light whatsoever, can't see more than one step ahead. Far, far away there is a slim, silver line. If you strain you can see it. There are waves, pulling, tossing, dragging under ... toward and away from the line. The silver line lengthens slowly, with it comes unveiling of the mess that was made and the damage remaining. Lengthening and broadening more steadily. One step closer ... Toodles

Hot and cold certainly describes a bp person. A new and complete mystery and adventure, sometimes every day. Everything is a sometimes and sometimes it is everything. Cycling: great for fitness; not so great for brains and lives. Sickness, illness. So hard to talk to anyone. Embarrassing. Mortifying. Up. Life at the other end of the spectrum. Can and will do anything, nothing beyond my reach. Tiresome though too, but no time for rest. Doing things that wouldn't be done at another time. Intense energy. Intense a lot of things actually. And fast. Intense and fast; snappy, quick to anger and happiness. Change change change; new old buy sell! Plans for everything and everything will succeed. Invincible, unyielding, unsurpassable, inviolable. Down. Heartrending, grievous, disconsolate, horrible, forlorn, black, stumbling, defeated, crumbling, distressed, confused, sick, sad, dolorous, cynical, troublesome, angry, inconsolable, dying, tragic, invisible, dead. How long between? Days, hour

Life here is never dull. Some drama exists if not within our family, then in our extended family or friends or school mates or co-workers. It's never ending. A lot of these could be featured on Jerry Springer or Maury, although Maury is more the baby's momma's daddy's ho's ... she's testing men #1438 #1439 and #1440 to see who's the father of her baby. Often these people are lower income. It's like they have nothing better to do than gossip and yip and yap about whatever is happening or whoever's doing whatever. Or is it all fake, like wrestling, with actors or street people getting paid? From Cheryl S: "So a traitorous opportunist, a socialist, and a spineless moron walk into a bar..." Is it a Joke? Yes, but in Canada it's called a coalition. Did you know piercings and tattoos hurt? It always amazes me when someone says, "that hurt sooo bad!", when it's piercing #258. LOL So our federal government is setting up for a coa