Living can kill you.
Hindsight shows again what I should have been watching for. The ups and downs, too much or too little, feeling feelings or feeling nothing and being f'd up.
I failed again. No matter that I have done everything "right" for so long ... it shrinks and almost disappears and then it blows up to so fast and violently, it takes my breath. Stop breathing. Sometimes things would be a lot better if all breathing stopped for 10 minutes. "Haha, but then I'd be dead!?"
It gets larger and larger and larger, growing to immense proportions, stretching tighter and tighter, having more and more trouble thinking and reasoning and trying to formulate a plan and keep it all together and do this and do that ... stretching, growing, thinning, MAKE IT STOP ... POP!
blackness
i described
naked, alone, lying on a cold - it feels like a rock - uneven and sharp i feel nothing, can see nothing, hear nothing, no one nothing don't move don't blink just go back to sleep it's a dream it's not real
how can i get things together - it is all me - i've got to do it - remember to get the stuff and make sure it works - can't risk hurting us all again i need to go
sit up and wrap my arms around my legs, squeezed up into a ball. cold, shivering, wet, tired, defeated, i wonder if i am blind or if the darkness is that complete i can stay here . that would be good for all, no more worrying, knowing the worst part is at rest ... just a few things to do and all will be ready whisper
do i dare open my mouth and let them know ,, i don't have to if i don't want to ... if i do then i'll be stuck and they could be worse off i open my
hello?
oh i shouldn't have done this it isn't a good thing it will backfire oh you are so stupid why did you do that it's wrecked everything and now oh now it is done once or twice
more and it's solidified
An ascent that quickly goes from slow to near-warp.
Middle ground help.
A few more minutes.
How things were and how they could have been, and the fallout. So embarrassing. Like crapping yourself in class ... "oh, everyone understands," ya right. Big or little it doesn't matter.
Don't focus on could have been ... it could still be.
If I follow the rules and do everything right, will I be able to write an update next year?
fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up
fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up
fall down
toodles
Hindsight shows again what I should have been watching for. The ups and downs, too much or too little, feeling feelings or feeling nothing and being f'd up.
I failed again. No matter that I have done everything "right" for so long ... it shrinks and almost disappears and then it blows up to so fast and violently, it takes my breath. Stop breathing. Sometimes things would be a lot better if all breathing stopped for 10 minutes. "Haha, but then I'd be dead!?"
It gets larger and larger and larger, growing to immense proportions, stretching tighter and tighter, having more and more trouble thinking and reasoning and trying to formulate a plan and keep it all together and do this and do that ... stretching, growing, thinning, MAKE IT STOP ... POP!
blackness
i described
naked, alone, lying on a cold - it feels like a rock - uneven and sharp i feel nothing, can see nothing, hear nothing, no one nothing don't move don't blink just go back to sleep it's a dream it's not real
how can i get things together - it is all me - i've got to do it - remember to get the stuff and make sure it works - can't risk hurting us all again i need to go
sit up and wrap my arms around my legs, squeezed up into a ball. cold, shivering, wet, tired, defeated, i wonder if i am blind or if the darkness is that complete i can stay here . that would be good for all, no more worrying, knowing the worst part is at rest ... just a few things to do and all will be ready whisper
do i dare open my mouth and let them know ,, i don't have to if i don't want to ... if i do then i'll be stuck and they could be worse off i open my
hello?
oh i shouldn't have done this it isn't a good thing it will backfire oh you are so stupid why did you do that it's wrecked everything and now oh now it is done once or twice
more and it's solidified
An ascent that quickly goes from slow to near-warp.
Middle ground help.
A few more minutes.
How things were and how they could have been, and the fallout. So embarrassing. Like crapping yourself in class ... "oh, everyone understands," ya right. Big or little it doesn't matter.
Don't focus on could have been ... it could still be.
If I follow the rules and do everything right, will I be able to write an update next year?
fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up
fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up fall down get up
fall down
toodles
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