Weighty Matters

I found this while looking through my documents. Just some of my thoughts from Jan 2015.

Reflections

Procrastination. I am procrastinating. About everything, not just food. No matter the amount of coaching from Kathleen, nor the talking with Theresa, nor self talk - I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. Sitting on the edge on a merry-go-round. Watching everything go past. Seeing mostly the same things over and over, every so often something new or something gone. The Circle of Food.

Why are my wheels spinning with food? Do I know what to do with food? After a little more research, it would appear 1200-1500 is where I want to be to make some changes to my body. 1800 keeps me around 190 lbs which is just too much. There’s always room for fruits and veggies, but be sure to have proteins as well – and some carbs too.

So I know what to do with it but how about actually eating it and desiring what I’m eating. Kathleen and I have talked about setting alarms, but I haven’t done it yet. This is likely because of the structured diet I was on after my surgery. But that was a completely different situation. Today is not yesterday and my routines are for now not then. Having said that, I should be able to put all my reminders in my phone and follow them. SHOULD is a big one in that sentence.

With my Mexico hoodie, yoga pants, slippers and undergarments on, I hopped on the scale. How much worse than 194 lbs can it be? 199.8! I was going to take off the clothes and re-weigh, but who cares. It’d be down 2 lbs or something stupid like that.

Last week Kathleen asked what would happen if I didn’t do my logs and I said I would gain weight because I wouldn’t watch what I was eating. Well, I haven’t done logs for 2 weeks … interesting … I gained. So, logging is a definite necessity for me now, for tracking and accountability. She then asked what would happen. I said I would have to begin exercising and eating and tracking. I said those things never thinking they’d happen, let alone so quickly!!!! Kathleen asked, with one change, what would happen. I said pandemonium. We’re there.

It’s been a rough week. I’ve just not wanted to think about coulds and woulds and shoulds. I have been having them. Extra portions, cookies, 3 chocolate bars, multiple pieces of cobbler, dry ribs, mozza sticks, full rack of ribs, clubhouse, plus the healthy stuff. I’m eating when I get up at night. It starts when I’m up in the morning, snack, snack, lunch, snack, snack, snack, snack, supper, snack, snack, snack, snack. You get the idea.  I tried repeatedly to write this and it’s taken all week.

In the past, I’ve been placating myself by tracking my food and getting myself straightened out that way, and feeling good. But then I don’t take it the rest of the way – by adding in the exercise. I think Kathleen said it isn’t the exercise that’s so important, but I can’t remember the rest of it. Or she didn’t say it and I’m loopy.

I’m feeling like I shouldn’t come to see Kathleen anymore. If I’m spinning, she must feel like she’s in a barrel roll. I’m not giving or can’t give an honest effort, regardless of which, it’s not happening. I don’t want to waste her time while I poop or get off the pot. snack, snack, snack, snack

I'm still not "there" ... wherever that's supposed to be. I went through some old pics too - my weight has fluctuated so much over the past years - and it correlates perfectly with my manic and depressive states. So detrimental to my health, physical and mental. I need to prepare myself better - pay attention to my mood levels. I need to stay on top of my weight and notice if it's changing - it's such a good indicator of my mental status. I need Dary and my family to let me know if I seem different or that my behaviour has/is changing. It's okay to accept help from others, especially those closest to me.

Toodles!