Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure.
Alexithymia is a personality construct characterized by the subclinical inability to identify and describe emotions in the self.
Do you ever feel 'nothing'? Not sad, angry or happy. Not even 'here'. I look in the mirror; stare at my eyes staring back at me. Blank. Just two holes gazing into the darkness.
'Nothing' isn't always darkness though. 'Nothing' is everything happening around me as usual. 'Nothing' is my lack of giving a fuck about anything. 'Nothing' is life carrying on around me while I try to live through my lack of everything. While I am usually suicidal when like this, I tend to analyze it like a problem instead of feeling the despair and devastation I should be experiencing. I'm rather nonchalant about everything. It's hard to hide 'nothing'. People pick up on your facial cues, attitude, lack of regular behaviours - like being friendly and chatty usually but now just quiet and somewhat withdrawn. I smile in an attempt to keep the focus off me and hope they move on.
Floating reminds me of 'nothing'. I enter the water, close the pod, flip off the light and get myself settled. I meditate for a bit. My consciousness slowly slips beneath the surface and I'm out for 90 minutes of sensory deprived bliss.
Things don't always go as planned though. This last float, I was thinking too much and couldn't settle enough to glide into my zone of nothingness. I was conscious of everything. Every minute movement of my body, which led to movement of the water and then I would end up bumping into the side. Grrr
Getting back to the definitions: When I'm depressed, I experience both but moreso anhedonia. When I'm manic, I experience alexithymia.
Started this a week ago. More to come ...
Alexithymia is a personality construct characterized by the subclinical inability to identify and describe emotions in the self.
Do you ever feel 'nothing'? Not sad, angry or happy. Not even 'here'. I look in the mirror; stare at my eyes staring back at me. Blank. Just two holes gazing into the darkness.
'Nothing' isn't always darkness though. 'Nothing' is everything happening around me as usual. 'Nothing' is my lack of giving a fuck about anything. 'Nothing' is life carrying on around me while I try to live through my lack of everything. While I am usually suicidal when like this, I tend to analyze it like a problem instead of feeling the despair and devastation I should be experiencing. I'm rather nonchalant about everything. It's hard to hide 'nothing'. People pick up on your facial cues, attitude, lack of regular behaviours - like being friendly and chatty usually but now just quiet and somewhat withdrawn. I smile in an attempt to keep the focus off me and hope they move on.
Floating reminds me of 'nothing'. I enter the water, close the pod, flip off the light and get myself settled. I meditate for a bit. My consciousness slowly slips beneath the surface and I'm out for 90 minutes of sensory deprived bliss.
Things don't always go as planned though. This last float, I was thinking too much and couldn't settle enough to glide into my zone of nothingness. I was conscious of everything. Every minute movement of my body, which led to movement of the water and then I would end up bumping into the side. Grrr
Getting back to the definitions: When I'm depressed, I experience both but moreso anhedonia. When I'm manic, I experience alexithymia.
Started this a week ago. More to come ...
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