Lisa Crawford is an amazing woman. She owns and operates Simply Stunning Hair and Makeup. She is also a huge proponent for domestic violence and mental health. Sadly, she lost her step-dad to suicide 3 years ago. She has some great messages and videos on her profile. After watching a few, I decided to write to her with my story and thoughts. Here it is.
I'm so sorry to hear about your step Dad. Losing someone under any circumstances is so hard but when it was by suicide there are always so many questions that will never be answered. My truly heartfelt condolences to you and your family. I'd like to share a bit of myself with you. To give a voice to those who, like me, are survivors. My story is long and boring, so I'm just going to sum it up: - Physically abused by natural father from baby-5 yrs. - Natural father died when I was 5. - Sexually abused by babysitter's husband from 5yrs-11yrs. - Emotionally abused from baby-17 yrs. - Showed signs of depression as early as 5 and bipolar prior to puberty. - Suicide attempts at 15, 23, 36 - Suicidal thoughts - when manic or depressed the thoughts are throughout the day, all day, every day, until I'm stable. Sometimes even then. - First thought of suicide when I was 6. I wanted to be with my daddy. I was told to stop crying and being silly, instead of talking about what I was feeling. - Suicide has always been my 'thing'. I don't mean that to sound crass or to be taken lightly - it's just that when you live with a mind that constantly makes you question if you have any control, suicide can become the only thing you can control. So even when I don't want to do it and am not planning it or anything, it's still the one thing I know I have control over. I think all talk about mental health is good. If only one person on the face of the planet is saved by one message then that's all that matters. My experience has been different than 'ideal'. I have found that people want to ask you 'how are you' but they really don't want the answer. And if you do happen to start to give an answer, you get nods and mhmmms and yes and 'oh, you're okay though right?' Actually, no, I'm not okay, but your head is shoved so far up your self righteous ass that you'll never see. You'll never really 'get it'. You'll just keep asking me if I'm okay and praying that I say yes so you don't have to listen to anymore of my drivel. (When I'm saying 'you', I don't mean you. Just paraphrasing.) People say they want to talk and to call me whenever you're feeling down and don't hesitate to reach out, but when push comes to shove, the vast majority of people rub you on the back and turn away to move on with something else in their lives. Most people really do not want to listen. They can't comprehend mental illness and they certainly can't grasp someone wanting to die by suicide. So all those friends you had when you were up and happy and not suffering, turn away and leave you to lie on the ground alone when you need them most. This next part is just my wacked out thinking, but IMO, we need people to ask the really tough questions, not 'how are you' but what are you thinking right now? Have you been thinking about not being here? Have you made any plans? Where are you at? No yes/no questions ... they've all got to be open ended. And the person has to actually give a damn, not just be paying lip service. There's nothing worse than someone who says they're interested in mental health and that they're willing to be that voice who will be there for you to help talk you out of whatever ideas you have in mind, but it's just a façade. When people are suicidal, they need love and hugs but they also need to be questioned, almost interrogated, to ensure they're not already at a point of taking that last step. Suicidal people are wily and cunning. You don't go to all the trouble of planning how to die just to throw it out the window just because someone asks how you're doing. I'm sure this just sounds like rambling but I hope it makes sense. One of the biggest parts of mental health that will work is when the ill step out of their comfort zones and face up to some tough love and tough questions - and when those who aren't ill are able to step up and dig for the answers they think are there. So who am I now? I'm an almost 50 year old woman who has bipolar disorder 2, is relatively level right now (but just came out of one hell of a rough 12 months), enjoys her hubby, babies and grandbabies, and who struggles every single day not to think of a way out. It's just the way it is and I keeping trying to accept it. I'll either wake up tomorrow morning or I won't. What I choose to do once I do wake up is where it's really at. Anyway, I hope I didn't freak you out and that I'm still welcome in the shop - especially on Saturday because I've got Braunt's wedding and need Janel to put my hair into some upwards shape. I just wanted you to know how appreciative I am of your posts. They have good messages and I hope both the healthy and the ill get from them what they need. One last thing - please let everyone know that Kiershyn is nothing like me. If one good thing has come from living with a mentally ill parent, our kids are incredibly empathetic and so very open to anyone who needs their help. Kiershyn is the most amazing woman I've ever met. She's my best friend and I count myself so lucky to have her love and support. Have a good night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your step Dad. Losing someone under any circumstances is so hard but when it was by suicide there are always so many questions that will never be answered. My truly heartfelt condolences to you and your family. I'd like to share a bit of myself with you. To give a voice to those who, like me, are survivors. My story is long and boring, so I'm just going to sum it up: - Physically abused by natural father from baby-5 yrs. - Natural father died when I was 5. - Sexually abused by babysitter's husband from 5yrs-11yrs. - Emotionally abused from baby-17 yrs. - Showed signs of depression as early as 5 and bipolar prior to puberty. - Suicide attempts at 15, 23, 36 - Suicidal thoughts - when manic or depressed the thoughts are throughout the day, all day, every day, until I'm stable. Sometimes even then. - First thought of suicide when I was 6. I wanted to be with my daddy. I was told to stop crying and being silly, instead of talking about what I was feeling. - Suicide has always been my 'thing'. I don't mean that to sound crass or to be taken lightly - it's just that when you live with a mind that constantly makes you question if you have any control, suicide can become the only thing you can control. So even when I don't want to do it and am not planning it or anything, it's still the one thing I know I have control over. I think all talk about mental health is good. If only one person on the face of the planet is saved by one message then that's all that matters. My experience has been different than 'ideal'. I have found that people want to ask you 'how are you' but they really don't want the answer. And if you do happen to start to give an answer, you get nods and mhmmms and yes and 'oh, you're okay though right?' Actually, no, I'm not okay, but your head is shoved so far up your self righteous ass that you'll never see. You'll never really 'get it'. You'll just keep asking me if I'm okay and praying that I say yes so you don't have to listen to anymore of my drivel. (When I'm saying 'you', I don't mean you. Just paraphrasing.) People say they want to talk and to call me whenever you're feeling down and don't hesitate to reach out, but when push comes to shove, the vast majority of people rub you on the back and turn away to move on with something else in their lives. Most people really do not want to listen. They can't comprehend mental illness and they certainly can't grasp someone wanting to die by suicide. So all those friends you had when you were up and happy and not suffering, turn away and leave you to lie on the ground alone when you need them most. This next part is just my wacked out thinking, but IMO, we need people to ask the really tough questions, not 'how are you' but what are you thinking right now? Have you been thinking about not being here? Have you made any plans? Where are you at? No yes/no questions ... they've all got to be open ended. And the person has to actually give a damn, not just be paying lip service. There's nothing worse than someone who says they're interested in mental health and that they're willing to be that voice who will be there for you to help talk you out of whatever ideas you have in mind, but it's just a façade. When people are suicidal, they need love and hugs but they also need to be questioned, almost interrogated, to ensure they're not already at a point of taking that last step. Suicidal people are wily and cunning. You don't go to all the trouble of planning how to die just to throw it out the window just because someone asks how you're doing. I'm sure this just sounds like rambling but I hope it makes sense. One of the biggest parts of mental health that will work is when the ill step out of their comfort zones and face up to some tough love and tough questions - and when those who aren't ill are able to step up and dig for the answers they think are there. So who am I now? I'm an almost 50 year old woman who has bipolar disorder 2, is relatively level right now (but just came out of one hell of a rough 12 months), enjoys her hubby, babies and grandbabies, and who struggles every single day not to think of a way out. It's just the way it is and I keeping trying to accept it. I'll either wake up tomorrow morning or I won't. What I choose to do once I do wake up is where it's really at. Anyway, I hope I didn't freak you out and that I'm still welcome in the shop - especially on Saturday because I've got Braunt's wedding and need Janel to put my hair into some upwards shape. I just wanted you to know how appreciative I am of your posts. They have good messages and I hope both the healthy and the ill get from them what they need. One last thing - please let everyone know that Kiershyn is nothing like me. If one good thing has come from living with a mentally ill parent, our kids are incredibly empathetic and so very open to anyone who needs their help. Kiershyn is the most amazing woman I've ever met. She's my best friend and I count myself so lucky to have her love and support. Have a good night.
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