Bouncing Around

This is in response to a question on the Mighty. It's a great resource for all things mental health.

I'm reading about meds and how they can affect you. I myself have no f'in clue how they affect me. I've had things off and on for 30 years. I've been on so many meds I can't remember the vast majority. I think I feel something and then I turn around and my mood has shifted and I've forgotten whatever it was I was thinking about.

The people I disclose my mental illness to always say, "but you're so normal!" Gee thanks, I think. I would like to have one day where I know who I am and what I think and want. One day to know what my "normal" is, because I have no clue.

I haven't known who I am since I was 5. That's when it all started.

Normal, level, calm, relaxed, secure, confident - I just don't see myself experiencing any of those. It makes me sad.

*****

That was written when I was down, right after having just written the last blog about my life with mental health. I like to think I'm levelling out and not having so many shifts, but then something happens and I'm in a tizzy and everything goes to shit.

There are no words to describe my love and respect of Darrin. He has lived in my hell with me; affected by every nuance that comes across my face and body. He's incredible. He accepts me for who I am. He somewhat active in my recovery, however it's hard for him as he has no idea what being me is like and he doesn't even try to understand the meds. Even though he doesn't always understands, he's always there, arms open giving me his strength, for me to share whatever joy or woe I'm currently experiencing.

My next strength is my children and their spouses. When I get sick, I have any of them to talk to. I can tell them I'm unable to participate in some event, and they're okay with it. No one shames me or gets ticked off. Although anything's possible, I don't believe there is any talking to others about me. I know they talk to each other, and that's really healthy. It feels incredible to know that trustworthy seven people have my back. There are a couple of friends as well, but most of my friends/acquaintances are on facebook, and anyone on there only wants to hear good stuff. They don't go on social media to be brought down.

The pets are doing pretty good. Ellie gives us a scare every couple of months. She stops eating for a day, has a grumbly tummy, horrible diarrhea and sometimes vomiting. She gets very lethargic and even walking seems like a chore. Ellie's going to be 14 in May. If something happens and she stops eating, we aren't going to try to find out what it is. We're confident she's had an amazing life since we rescued when she was 2. She is my precious baby. My last baby. So, she went down but now she's bouncing like a puppy and snarfing down her food and racing me up the stairs (like that's a challenge lol). We'll deal with next time whenever it comes.

Darrin just left and this set seems to be going slowly already. He's so busy and bogged down. I hear from him once a day, which I'm thankful for. A lot of spouses can't call home during work hours.

Well, time to settle down, have a bath and relax.