Tulip's Tantrums

 I spent two days scanning old family pictures, from 1977 to about 1986. It was good to get them done; I've been meaning to do it for a while. It was nice seeing people and reliving memories. Peanut and Bean spent the night. It was supposed to be our date night, but somehow it got changed. I'm not very impressed, to be honest. Bre knew about it but she and Braunt still asked Darrin, who didn't know anything about our evening and said yes to Hendrix coming. Then, somehow, Ariya got added to the mix. They're never a problem to have stay over; it was just different circumstances this time. It is what it is. Rika was over the moon seeing the kids and ended up spending time with Ari, who carted her all over the place. I was talking with Carolyn last night. She has her laser eye surgery consultation next week and then the surgery will be about 6 weeks afterwards. I'll be taking her to the surgery and bringing her home. I'm sure it will go well for her. I'm struggl

 I listen but I don't hear very well. I don't retain short-term information. I flipped out at Woodsie because of his "diagnoses" of BPD and cPTSD, which he changed from when we first spoke. According to Woodsie, I have some BPD characteristics but do not have BPD. As for cPTSD, he says I have PTSD, because cPTSD isn't in the DSM or ICD yet. Once it's medically recognized, then I suppose it will change to complex. I'm coming up to my 5th session of ACT, with Lareina and Connie. I'm learning well, but not really applying. I'm struggling with addiction as well as irritability and being irrational. When my brain is pressuring me to partake, I'm not using my values to influence my choices. Instead, I'm ignoring my values. I was even considering just leaving out my past week from Lareina, in essence lying, rather than have to face my demons and admit I let myself down. Woodsie is focusing more on the pot than the other. He says I'm using too

 The joys of having mental disorders. I just read a blog post " Bipolar is a Progressive, Organic Brain Disease. Medication Helps Stop Damage to Brain. " This is rather disconcerting. Of course, our brains deteriorate as we age, but unmedicated or unregulated medications can cause worse damage. The big one is manic and hypomanic episodes. Those ones really kick you in the ass. The more episodes, the more brain damage, the more likely some form of dementia. Here is your brain and your brain on bipolar disorder, albeit an euthymic brain. In simple terms, euthymia is the state of living without mood disturbances. It's commonly associated with bipolar disorder. While in a euthymic state, one typically experiences feelings of cheerfulness and tranquility. A person in this state may also display an increased level of resiliency to stress. Another definition: "In psychiatry and psychology, euthymia is a normal, tranquil mental state or mood. In those with bipolar disorder,

 Here's a picture from a few days ago. I ask myself, "Do I look 54?" So I perused some info on it and 54 can look anywhere from 30 to 80 years. Some are gorgeous while others look like they were put away wet or hit by a truck. I read a couple of articles by Dave Mowry . One in particular, Which 'Bipolar Me' is Going to Wake Up Today? , is similar to my experiences. Many of Dave's articles resonate with me. The problem with being happy is that I don't know if I'm happy because I'm level or because I'm becoming hypomanic. When I'm feeling good, I don't want  to know why; I just want to enjoy my life and at that point, I am. It's important to pay attention to myself in happy times because those times are more dangerous than depression. When I'm depressed, I'm depressed. That's just what it is. When I'm hypomanic things can go downhill quickly. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a wiki about Bipol