Tulip's Tantrums

I want to share some things from one of my groups I'm in. 💜 What a powerful picture Twyla. Thanks for sharing. I hope your ok? Just remember you are a strong ladies xx Actually, Kassie, I really f'in suck. I've just realized that my mental disorders aren't going to go away. I'm stuck with them. So long as I take my meds then all is fine, but dammit sometimes I want "normal normal" if that makes sense. For as good as my family is dealing with my mental illness, they really have no clue as to what I go through and am going through. They're all worried about suicide, but it's just something I think and talk about sometimes - not something I'm planning. I just feel like crap and this pic really spoke to me. Thanks for checking in. <3 p=""> 💜 Oh hunni. It’s very hard for people that have never experienced it themselves to truest understand. Your doing great. I think you will learn to live with it than worry about it never go

It's funny in a way: my family says they understand me and what I'm going through and how hard it must be but ... they're the first ones to put the focus back on themselves and all of the distance away from me. Of course they're uncomfortable by the subject, but if we don't talk about it, then it's never going to end. Suicide is like any other horrible cycle of violence. How can get I my family to understand what being suicidal and having bipolar is like? How the hell can I get anyone else (short of Dr. Woods) to listen and understand and not freak out and want to send me away? Today Joanna and I were briefly talking about me not being here. She rolled her eyes and said, "we all know you don't want to be here." Oh do we?! That was a new one to me. I thought I still did want to be here and was trying to explain how I could feel both. I was so embarrassed to email Dr. Woods today. I just didn't know what else to do. I really don't ever

You know, there are times in life when you know what you're doing is wrong and that you shouldn't be doing it and that you NEED to stop doing it, so what do you do? Do it some more. We should have the support of others, but often others are in their own little worlds and aren't capable of stepping up when you need a hand. Instead, they are a detriment to what you're attempting to achieve. What does one do in these situations? Well, firstly don't blame anyone but yourself. No one is forcing you to do or not do something. Quit using a scapegoat, especially when you're often one yourself. Sit up straight. Stand up straighter. Take the first step. It might be a little scary without someone's hand there to steady you, but you can do it. Having said that, can I do it? Can I even just sit still, if not stand and walk? What's something I've accomplished lately? I quit smoking! I bought my diamond earrings worth 600 unsmoked cigarettes! I did it all by

Alrighty, I've been doing a little reading on coding. It is in high demand, but is difficult to learn. Base salary starts around $125K USD. Likely high stress. Let's do a little more fact finding: What Is Coding? 15 Facts For Beginners Dailytekk has a lot of good articles. Everything from newbies, kids, best programs, everything. I think I'll take a look, but that's likely as far as it will go. Just nine of the world's richest people (men) have more combined wealth than the poorest 4 billion people. Here's a different perspective. The total world's population is 7 billion. The total world wealth is $241 trillion. So 1% of the population owns 46% of the wealth. The bottom 50% of the population owns less than 1% - or $1.7 trillion - of the wealth.   Do you have any idea how much money these people have ? Bill, Warren and Jeff keep bouncing back and forth between 1st. Last week it was Jeff. LOL  This list has Jeff WAY ahead of Bill and W

Well, I'm feeling a bit better. Enough to know when to shut my mouth and what to say when I do open it. I know it's my icing - it always helps this way. Hopefully meds will pick up and kick in soon though. This was a particularly rough one. Perhaps because it came so quickly on the end of the last one back in October/November? Perhaps because I thought I was "cured" and that we could play with the meds in the hopes that I could one day quit taking them. But that's not meant to be. So here I sit. Tired but awake. Contemplating what next to do ... sit here and research stocks, tv, crocheting, pictures. There's really always something; it's just a matter of finding it. Toodles!

No one really understands. They can't. Unless they're facing the same demons. Mental health will never be "accepted". People have no idea how  to accept it not to mention what to say or do. There will always be fear and uncertainty. I have GOT to learn to keep my stupid mouth shut. Tightly shut. 😕

Pulled an all nighter. Haven't done one of those in a little while. Spent almost all my time on fb - the mental health group - but also researching more stocks. Talked with a very special lady earlier. Tammy is my Mimi-in-law. We share the grandbabies. Here is some of what we said: I  haven't even though of that yet, I started my walking again and get anywhere between 5-8 MILES everyday, gotta try and get this weight off before then.lol I hear you. I know it was bothering you when you left. Have you lost any sizes yet? It's really bothering me, but I had just got started on track and I broke a couple of toes. So I ate my face off over xmas. And so haven't really lost any sizes yet I don't think, it's a hell of a lot harder to lost it than it was to put on haha Tell me about it! I met you guys and weight 55 lbs less than now!!! I know it really bothers you sweetie and I wish I could pass along my way of thinking: FUCK IT!! Seriously, I've just got

Beginning or beginning of the end? Having bipolar II disorder (BPII) with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and a smattering of borderline personality disorder (BPD) really fucking sucks. Who even knows if that's what I have? I have doubts about psychiatric disorders and how they're described and diagnosed. There are too many variables to place everyone into neat, tidy boxes. When did someone decide I had psychological disorders? It must've been long before 1992, I had been sick much longer than that. At least back into grade school. Who decided it? Was it one of those tests that I always excelled on: Your grade 3 child scored Grade 7 in math  or she is reading at a great 9 level. What about those ink splotch tests they did. I heard my Mom say something about IQ 142 but I had no idea what that meant. All I knew was I wanted to not be fat, have friends, have Adidas runners and have a dad. I'm in grade 3. I am 8 years old. Where is everyone to play with? Wh