It's funny in a way: my family says they understand me and what I'm going through and how hard it must be but ... they're the first ones to put the focus back on themselves and all of the distance away from me. Of course they're uncomfortable by the subject, but if we don't talk about it, then it's never going to end. Suicide is like any other horrible cycle of violence.
How can get I my family to understand what being suicidal and having bipolar is like? How the hell can I get anyone else (short of Dr. Woods) to listen and understand and not freak out and want to send me away?
Today Joanna and I were briefly talking about me not being here. She rolled her eyes and said, "we all know you don't want to be here." Oh do we?! That was a new one to me. I thought I still did want to be here and was trying to explain how I could feel both.
I was so embarrassed to email Dr. Woods today. I just didn't know what else to do. I really don't ever want him to think I take advantage of our medication relationship. Prior to emailing him, I looked back to how I've been feeling and it's been since July! With both ups and downs. Fuck! Now I'm DEFINITELY depressed and have gained (I'd say approximately) 20 lb. Just fucking disgusting. How disgusting? I guess that remains to be seen. (We'll see how the one contributes to that.)
You know, if I KNEW it would work, I think I would tonight. Everyone would be mad and sad and infuriating, but I honestly would. The BIGGEST thing is that I will fail again. I just cannot handle that again. I MUST know that everything will be set in place and that everything will work - not crater part way through.
I'm still thinking n and he, maybe hanging. I was so fucking stupid - why didn't I get this done BEFORE my life insurance ran out. Now I'll never be eligible again, and even if I am, it will be at astronomical rates with a 2 year suicide clause. We just have to make our final arrangements so the kids don't have to worry about anything. It will be small regardless - funerals get bigger as the numbers get smaller and the food gets better.
I have to get a copy of our all our bills and insurance and such, so put in with the will. I was going to do a personal directive, with Kier being the assigned person, but every since this little blip, I'm not sure I'm going to do that. I think instead, I'll leave it as Dr. Woods. He at least has my best interest in mind and won't go throwing me in a home or anything too soon.
We bought Jax a treadmill and he's been on in 3 times already!! He's already got it down pat but there's one TINY little problem. It's just a little too short for him. It's 44" but if he could have 50" or 50" that would be best. I'm going to keep an eye out for a larger one. I know Dreytan will get pissed off at me, but the poor fucking dog needs some exercise too!!
One last thing. We have done a huge disservice with our kids and reimbursing them for doing things. We pay them for fucking everything! I can't imagine my paying me anymore than my allowance, and even that I didn't get all the time. When I got money, I was thankful for it. I always blew it but my thankfulness was evident - both in thanks yous, thank you cards and a picture of whatever it was Mom said said.
So, we're FINALLY doing the basement. As much as I would like carpet, I think laminate with some area rugs will be better. Here are some of what I'm thinking of:
Home Depot has the following:
How can get I my family to understand what being suicidal and having bipolar is like? How the hell can I get anyone else (short of Dr. Woods) to listen and understand and not freak out and want to send me away?
Today Joanna and I were briefly talking about me not being here. She rolled her eyes and said, "we all know you don't want to be here." Oh do we?! That was a new one to me. I thought I still did want to be here and was trying to explain how I could feel both.
I was so embarrassed to email Dr. Woods today. I just didn't know what else to do. I really don't ever want him to think I take advantage of our medication relationship. Prior to emailing him, I looked back to how I've been feeling and it's been since July! With both ups and downs. Fuck! Now I'm DEFINITELY depressed and have gained (I'd say approximately) 20 lb. Just fucking disgusting. How disgusting? I guess that remains to be seen. (We'll see how the one contributes to that.)
You know, if I KNEW it would work, I think I would tonight. Everyone would be mad and sad and infuriating, but I honestly would. The BIGGEST thing is that I will fail again. I just cannot handle that again. I MUST know that everything will be set in place and that everything will work - not crater part way through.
I'm still thinking n and he, maybe hanging. I was so fucking stupid - why didn't I get this done BEFORE my life insurance ran out. Now I'll never be eligible again, and even if I am, it will be at astronomical rates with a 2 year suicide clause. We just have to make our final arrangements so the kids don't have to worry about anything. It will be small regardless - funerals get bigger as the numbers get smaller and the food gets better.
I have to get a copy of our all our bills and insurance and such, so put in with the will. I was going to do a personal directive, with Kier being the assigned person, but every since this little blip, I'm not sure I'm going to do that. I think instead, I'll leave it as Dr. Woods. He at least has my best interest in mind and won't go throwing me in a home or anything too soon.
We bought Jax a treadmill and he's been on in 3 times already!! He's already got it down pat but there's one TINY little problem. It's just a little too short for him. It's 44" but if he could have 50" or 50" that would be best. I'm going to keep an eye out for a larger one. I know Dreytan will get pissed off at me, but the poor fucking dog needs some exercise too!!
One last thing. We have done a huge disservice with our kids and reimbursing them for doing things. We pay them for fucking everything! I can't imagine my paying me anymore than my allowance, and even that I didn't get all the time. When I got money, I was thankful for it. I always blew it but my thankfulness was evident - both in thanks yous, thank you cards and a picture of whatever it was Mom said said.
So, we're FINALLY doing the basement. As much as I would like carpet, I think laminate with some area rugs will be better. Here are some of what I'm thinking of:
Home Depot has the following:
This is what Lowe's has:
Okay, we're going with one from Lowe's but I don't have it on here. Pictures to follow.
Just came across an interview with Jim Carrey where he speaks about depression. A couple of notes resonate with me:
"I think everybody should get rich and famous and get everything they dreamed so so they can see that's not the answer."
"People talk about depression all the time. The difference between depression and sadness is sadness is just from happenstance - whatever happened or didn't' happen for you, or grief, or whatever it is. Depression is your body saying fuck you, I don't want to be this character anymore. I don't want to hold up this avatar that you've created in the world. It's too much for me.
You should think of the word 'depressed' as 'deep rest.' Your body needs to be depressed. It needs deep rest from the character that you've been trying to play."
Like the author noted, this might be the best assessment of depression I've ever heard.
I got icing again last night. I don't want to talk with anyone else about this - I just want to keep it hidden from everyone, and do my own thing. I know I'm going to have to talk with Dr. Woods about it. As much as I hope they have a CBT for dual diagnosis, I have my doubts. Am I doing the one online? No. Am I doing anything? Not really. I'm actively planning suicide but am having trouble securing the things I need.
I know everyone would be very angry with me and my selfishness in taking my own life, but fuck them all. Absolutely no one has any fucking idea what life is like for me. No one knows what goes through my head. No one has one iota of the mega and miniscule things going on for me. Well fuck it. Nothing going to happen today. Braunt's on his way in and we've got to go pick up the flooring for the basement.
I love you everyone.
Toodles
Comments
Post a Comment