Beginning or beginning of the end?
Having bipolar II disorder (BPII) with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and a smattering of borderline personality disorder (BPD) really fucking sucks.
Who even knows if that's what I have? I have doubts about psychiatric disorders and how they're described and diagnosed. There are too many variables to place everyone into neat, tidy boxes.
When did someone decide I had psychological disorders? It must've been long before 1992, I had been sick much longer than that. At least back into grade school.
Who decided it? Was it one of those tests that I always excelled on: Your grade 3 child scored Grade 7 in math or she is reading at a great 9 level.
What about those ink splotch tests they did. I heard my Mom say something about IQ 142 but I had no idea what that meant. All I knew was I wanted to not be fat, have friends, have Adidas runners and have a dad. I'm in grade 3. I am 8 years old.
Where is everyone to play with? Why don't they want to play with me? They call me fatty fatty two by four, but I can still do the monkey bars but not the ones you swing across with your arms. I really like the see-saw but I'm too heavy to go on. It takes two or three grade 1's to match my weight. They're just laughing at me anyway. Go away.
Here's a new friend. Instead of taking it slow and easy, I THROW myself at this person, desperate to have someone, anyone, to play with.
I don't like to share friends. When I get one, I want her all to myself. It doesn't matter if she has other friends - if she doesn't pay attention to me, then she doesn't like me. I am very jealous of friends, family, toys, everything.
Sounds like a pretty normal 8 year old. Or does it?
Physically abused as baby.
Sexually abused 5-11.
Strained step-parent relationship 9-18.
Physically abusive (me on him) relationship and marriage 1986-1992.
My dad died when I was 5 turning 6 (maybe I was 6 already - I don't remember). I remember laying down with my Mom for a nap and starting to cry. She asked me why I was crying. I told her I wanted to go be with daddy. (Who I probably hadn't seen more than 4 months in total of my life.) She told me to stop being silly and and to go to sleep.
Oh Twyla. Just stop being so silly. Did that do it? Did that make me have bipolar disorder?
What fucking caused this???
You know what I hate most? I hate that I still have these disorders. That they're not gone. I hate that no matter what I do - no matter how right I do it - no matter anything, it's still there.
I've been very stable since about '13. Stable in my meds, that it, not in being able to do things. That probably doesn't make sense. I have been stable on my medication since about '13, but I'm still not able to do things. I'm not able to hold down a steady job. I'm not able to get through a day without anxiety.
I'm not able to just take care of myself and not worry about anything or anyone else. I've always got other things on my mind. I'm always worried about Darrin and the kids and the babies. I'm always wondering if I've said or done the right thing. I'm always concerned if I've done yet another thing to fuck up my life - or someone elses. I hate how lazy and complacent I am. I hate that I do nothing and can't seem to do anything and when I DO finally get myself motivated to do something, it never lasts.
I'm tired of being a coward.
So, what's the beginning of the end? As I've always said, suicide has always been an option for me. It's the only thing I can do for myself that will put all the bullshit to rest. If I'm not here then none of my kids will be hit with mental illness (or they could and I wouldn't be here to help them). If I'm not here then Darrin will find someone he's deserving of; someone who will love and cherish him and treat him as he deserves to be treated. (Or he could find someone like his siblings'/uncles' partners ACK).
Just like when my Mom died, lots of good will come from it. What good came from my Mom's death? The kids got to know my Dad (and his various partners) and Darrin's parents better. I was able to get help with my mental illness, which may not have happened otherwise. We were able to buy a house and get our lives started.
Maybe Darrin's parents will actually want to have a relationship with Ariya and Hendrix (will Braunt allow it). Overall, maybe Darrin's family will smarten up and have a good relationship with our family. (More likely, they will be around just after the funeral, but then will fuck off again - at least until they need something.)
Okay, so what good will come from me not being here? I do believe I have to be selfish in this one: It would stop my pain. It would stop the up and down of my disorder. It would stop me from doing things I shouldn't. It would just stop.
Some would ask, who are you to end your pain and suffering? Who are you to decide that what you're going through it better or worse than what someone else is dealing with? ME! That's who. ME! Me who has gone through so much in 49 years. Me who has just fucking had it. Me.
What bad could come from me not being here? I wouldn't be able to guide our kids in life's little details. I wouldn't be here to help sort out disagreements. I would miss Ariya and Henrix growing up and amazing me each and every time I see them. I would miss any other babies. I would miss putting my "mark" on my grandchildren, teaching things that can only come from me. I would miss loving Darrin more and more every day. I would miss helping him with his faults. I would miss that next great step that's coming along - whatever that may be (if there is anything at all).
Why am I am feeling like this? Decreasing the lamotrogine was a bad idea. It started out fine, but obviously has a good half life and tricked him into thinking that the decrease was working. I've already upped it 50mg and am thinking tonight of upping it another 50mg. That is the only thing that we've changed and I wasn't having any of these feelings prior to this so ... we'll give it a shot.
The icing doesn't help either - it fools me into thinking that everything is working, when it clearly isn't. That one for me to help Darrin work through; to leave the poison behind and focus on himself.
On a side note, Darrin and I have quit smoking!!!!!!!! It's been since January 1st and we're both making it though. I think he has it easier because he's still got nicotine going into his body through the patch and gum and such, but at least he's NOT putting nicotine into his vape, which is absolutely fantastic!!!!! He thinks I've got it easier because I've got my MM to fall back on - which he says is a cigarette - but it's got no nicotine! LOL
I guess right now, this is going to be the things that stick with you. I'm too tired to worry about the end.
Having bipolar II disorder (BPII) with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and a smattering of borderline personality disorder (BPD) really fucking sucks.
Who even knows if that's what I have? I have doubts about psychiatric disorders and how they're described and diagnosed. There are too many variables to place everyone into neat, tidy boxes.
When did someone decide I had psychological disorders? It must've been long before 1992, I had been sick much longer than that. At least back into grade school.
Who decided it? Was it one of those tests that I always excelled on: Your grade 3 child scored Grade 7 in math or she is reading at a great 9 level.
What about those ink splotch tests they did. I heard my Mom say something about IQ 142 but I had no idea what that meant. All I knew was I wanted to not be fat, have friends, have Adidas runners and have a dad. I'm in grade 3. I am 8 years old.
Where is everyone to play with? Why don't they want to play with me? They call me fatty fatty two by four, but I can still do the monkey bars but not the ones you swing across with your arms. I really like the see-saw but I'm too heavy to go on. It takes two or three grade 1's to match my weight. They're just laughing at me anyway. Go away.
Here's a new friend. Instead of taking it slow and easy, I THROW myself at this person, desperate to have someone, anyone, to play with.
I don't like to share friends. When I get one, I want her all to myself. It doesn't matter if she has other friends - if she doesn't pay attention to me, then she doesn't like me. I am very jealous of friends, family, toys, everything.
Sounds like a pretty normal 8 year old. Or does it?
Physically abused as baby.
Sexually abused 5-11.
Strained step-parent relationship 9-18.
Physically abusive (me on him) relationship and marriage 1986-1992.
My dad died when I was 5 turning 6 (maybe I was 6 already - I don't remember). I remember laying down with my Mom for a nap and starting to cry. She asked me why I was crying. I told her I wanted to go be with daddy. (Who I probably hadn't seen more than 4 months in total of my life.) She told me to stop being silly and and to go to sleep.
Oh Twyla. Just stop being so silly. Did that do it? Did that make me have bipolar disorder?
What fucking caused this???
You know what I hate most? I hate that I still have these disorders. That they're not gone. I hate that no matter what I do - no matter how right I do it - no matter anything, it's still there.
I've been very stable since about '13. Stable in my meds, that it, not in being able to do things. That probably doesn't make sense. I have been stable on my medication since about '13, but I'm still not able to do things. I'm not able to hold down a steady job. I'm not able to get through a day without anxiety.
I'm not able to just take care of myself and not worry about anything or anyone else. I've always got other things on my mind. I'm always worried about Darrin and the kids and the babies. I'm always wondering if I've said or done the right thing. I'm always concerned if I've done yet another thing to fuck up my life - or someone elses. I hate how lazy and complacent I am. I hate that I do nothing and can't seem to do anything and when I DO finally get myself motivated to do something, it never lasts.
I'm tired of being a coward.
So, what's the beginning of the end? As I've always said, suicide has always been an option for me. It's the only thing I can do for myself that will put all the bullshit to rest. If I'm not here then none of my kids will be hit with mental illness (or they could and I wouldn't be here to help them). If I'm not here then Darrin will find someone he's deserving of; someone who will love and cherish him and treat him as he deserves to be treated. (Or he could find someone like his siblings'/uncles' partners ACK).
Just like when my Mom died, lots of good will come from it. What good came from my Mom's death? The kids got to know my Dad (and his various partners) and Darrin's parents better. I was able to get help with my mental illness, which may not have happened otherwise. We were able to buy a house and get our lives started.
Maybe Darrin's parents will actually want to have a relationship with Ariya and Hendrix (will Braunt allow it). Overall, maybe Darrin's family will smarten up and have a good relationship with our family. (More likely, they will be around just after the funeral, but then will fuck off again - at least until they need something.)
Okay, so what good will come from me not being here? I do believe I have to be selfish in this one: It would stop my pain. It would stop the up and down of my disorder. It would stop me from doing things I shouldn't. It would just stop.
Some would ask, who are you to end your pain and suffering? Who are you to decide that what you're going through it better or worse than what someone else is dealing with? ME! That's who. ME! Me who has gone through so much in 49 years. Me who has just fucking had it. Me.
What bad could come from me not being here? I wouldn't be able to guide our kids in life's little details. I wouldn't be here to help sort out disagreements. I would miss Ariya and Henrix growing up and amazing me each and every time I see them. I would miss any other babies. I would miss putting my "mark" on my grandchildren, teaching things that can only come from me. I would miss loving Darrin more and more every day. I would miss helping him with his faults. I would miss that next great step that's coming along - whatever that may be (if there is anything at all).
Why am I am feeling like this? Decreasing the lamotrogine was a bad idea. It started out fine, but obviously has a good half life and tricked him into thinking that the decrease was working. I've already upped it 50mg and am thinking tonight of upping it another 50mg. That is the only thing that we've changed and I wasn't having any of these feelings prior to this so ... we'll give it a shot.
The icing doesn't help either - it fools me into thinking that everything is working, when it clearly isn't. That one for me to help Darrin work through; to leave the poison behind and focus on himself.
On a side note, Darrin and I have quit smoking!!!!!!!! It's been since January 1st and we're both making it though. I think he has it easier because he's still got nicotine going into his body through the patch and gum and such, but at least he's NOT putting nicotine into his vape, which is absolutely fantastic!!!!! He thinks I've got it easier because I've got my MM to fall back on - which he says is a cigarette - but it's got no nicotine! LOL
I guess right now, this is going to be the things that stick with you. I'm too tired to worry about the end.
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