Tulip's Tantrums

I've got some creepers to my blog! I can't believe anyone thinks I have enough to say to actually subscribe to it. Ha! Just read some very sad news. Vanessa Marquez , former actress on ER, was fatally shot by police at her home. It's being said she had mental health issues , was suffering seizures when police arrived, and eventually armed herself with a BB gun. She was shot when she pointed the weapon at police. One of her social media posts read, "A person only has so much strength and I'm afraid I've used all mine up." 😢 I had intended on writing more, but time got away from me. Toodles

Fifty has come and gone and I conquered it! Mostly with a foot in my mouth as I flitted around, but it's done. I had a wonderful birthday supper with Tyler, Kiershyn, Joanna, Breanna, Peanut and Bean. It was even more special because I thought it was just going to be Ty and Kiki and me. It was a great surprise to see everyone else! I had a steak sandwich with iced tea and the servers brought out a cake and sang Happy Birthday Granny! I got the most awesome presents from Ariya and Hendrix that they picked out themselves: a half eaten Arrow bar (the kids ate the other half when I opened it), chattering teeth (lost to Hendrix), a large stirring spoon, a box of crayons (accidentally left at the restaurant), a package of socks and a baby shower birthday card! It was a lot of fun and so special that these gifts came from their little hearts. Our next special family day is Tyler's birthday on October 28th. We'll have to see if Kiershyn cooks up anything special or if we al

Lisa Crawford is an amazing woman. She owns and operates Simply Stunning Hair and Makeup. She is also a huge proponent for domestic violence and mental health. Sadly, she lost her step-dad to suicide 3 years ago. She has some great messages and videos on her profile. After watching a few, I decided to write to her with my story and thoughts. Here it is. I'm so sorry to hear about your step Dad. Losing someone under any circumstances is so hard but when it was by suicide there are always so many questions that will never be answered. My truly heartfelt condolences to you and your family. I'd like to share a bit of myself with you. To give a voice to those who, like me, are survivors. My story is long and boring, so I'm just going to sum it up: - Physically abused by natural father from baby-5 yrs. - Natural father died when I was 5. - Sexually abused by babysitter's husband from 5yrs-11yrs. - Emotionally abused from baby-17 yrs. - Showed signs of depression as earl

Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure. Alexithymia is a personality construct characterized by the subclinical inability to identify and describe emotions in the self. Do you ever feel 'nothing'? Not sad, angry or happy. Not even 'here'. I look in the mirror; stare at my eyes staring back at me. Blank. Just two holes gazing into the darkness. 'Nothing' isn't always darkness though. 'Nothing' is everything happening around me as usual. 'Nothing' is my lack of giving a fuck about anything. 'Nothing' is life carrying on around me while I try to live through my lack of everything. While I am usually suicidal when like this, I tend to analyze it like a problem instead of feeling the despair and devastation I should be experiencing. I'm rather nonchalant about everything. It's hard to hide 'nothing'. People pick up on your facial cues, attitude, lack of regular behaviours - like being friendly and chatty usually

hypo-manic up down flying like crazy the tears can't catch my breath periods are rude don't use how can you say that? you say it about me too your silence unnerves me am I good or bad desolate energetic confident disillusioned peaceful aggressive acceptance love avoidance together alone now never always forever Living to breathe Breathing to live life

I was going to write this post on the feeling of nothing, however we had an incident over the weekend that has made me feel so many things: anger, sadness, rage, thankfulness. Someone who was close to our family was texting with a mom. He propositioned her for pictures of her young daughter, for money. He says he was drunk but then he says he got hacked. It has stunned and angered all of us.  For me, it really stirred up a lot of feelings in me. This same person tried to assault someone I care deeply about. At the time I threatened him bodily harm. My friend and I talked today, wondering how many other people have been affected. His ex-wife commented that maybe now someone would believe her. Proof he's been like this a long time. Psychology Today writes, "Individuals may become aware of their sexual interest in children around the time of puberty. Pedophilia may be a lifelong condition, but pedophilic disorder includes elements that may change over time (distress, psychos

I am in search of a dress for Braunt and Breanna's wedding, August 4th. I have a navy lace dress that has panel inserts of satin the front. It's very nice but kind of looks like it's from the renaissance period. So I decided I'm going to get something else. After much looking, I believe I've found one. I'm going to get the shrug to go with it. That's all for tonight. Toodles

2018! In July it will be 29 years that I've been a mom! How did that happen? And a Granny since 2014! It's amazing. I'm so thankful for being both. It is such an honour and truly a privilege to be both. Today I remember my Mom and all the 'Moms' I had throughout the years. My Mom was a great mom. Her love lives on into our children: Dreytan has her care and concern for others, Kiershyn is a little mama bird taking care of us, and Braunt has her sense of humour. Nana and Deb were my first surrogate moms. I stayed with Nana each summer from the time I was 4 until I was 13. It helped my Mom with summer babysitting costs - which as a single mom, she didn't have much extra. I spent a lot of time with Deb and Rocky in the summer, and a little time with Lori and Les - definitely not as much. Lori was a bit of a spoiled lady - until she had her kids and then reality set it. Now I'm Mom to a few and Twyla to many. It's funny how 'kids' nowadays don

Anyone who thinks setting up a new computer is easy needs a shot. I've been working on setting up my new computer for the past 16 hours and have just finally got the damn thing working. Well, not that it wasn't working before, it just wasn't doing what I needed it to do. Had I migrated the two machines, it would've gone a lot more smoothly. Instead I figured it shouldn't be that hard. Ya right! Complete change of subject: DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TALK! If you feel someone is not well, then a few gentle words could make the difference between now and then. In fairness to society, when those with mental health issues say that everyone's silent and no one talks to them, STAND UP AND TALK! If we don't start the conversation, don't expect someone to just jump in a say you look like shit. People aren't like that. People are uncertain when it comes to anything mental health, especially when the onus is on them to get the ball rolling. May 13th Just getting

Now that I'm a Granny, I'm trying so hard to hold on to all the little things I might have missed as a Mommy. But the time goes faster the older we get, and my babies are slipping away.  <3 span=""> ***** The Last Time From the moment you hold your baby in your arms, you will never be the same. You might long for the person you were before, When you had freedom and time, And nothing in particular to worry about. You will know tiredness like you never knew it before, And days will run into days that are exactly the same, Full of feedings and burping, Nappy changes and crying, Whining and fighting, Naps or a lack of naps, It might seem like a never-ending cycle. But don't forget ... There is a last time for everything. There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time. They will fall asleep on you after a long day And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child. One day you will carry them on your hip th

I retract my blog of yesterday. Kendrick is a very accomplished artist. T

Let's try this for the 3rd freakin' time. Gawd I hate this blogger program sometimes! Yesterday was Project Semicolon Day. This is from my facebook. Twyla Pierce My tattoo is an infinity symbol for my marriage. A heart to signify my family being surrounded by love. My Mom's name - I lost her in '91 to brain aneurysms. Finally, my semicolon. This is going to sound kind of morbid, but I earned that semicolon. I earned it by failing which led to getting treated and getting better. I've got this!! Starr Nicole I relate to this so much! The last part "This is going to sound kind of morbid, but I earned that semicolon. I earned it by failing which led to getting treated and getting better. I've got this!!" That's the same reason I got mine. I had two failed at...See More Twyla Pierce Starr Nicole Very freaky how our thoughts mimic one another. Well, you know what they say about great minds. Have you got your semicolon yet? If not, what

"... was described by the Pulitzer committee as a "virtuosic song collection unified by its vernacular authenticity and rhythmic dynamism that offers affecting vignettes capturing the complexity of modern African-American life." Let's decipher the committee's recognition first. In PLAIN language, the Pulitzer committee said Kendrick's technical and difficult song collection brought together by its real, native African-American language, and powerful music that gives glimpses of the complexity of modern African-American life." I question what about this young man's music is so different than all the other rap out right now? What specifically about this young man stood out to the committee? Now don't get me wrong - I like a lot of rap. After reading these lyrics, though, I find myself lacking. Drugs, crime, degrading women ... that may be the reality of some African-Americans, but it's certainly not all. You could argue that he's no dif

Here. Here I sit. Here I sit in my office. Here I sit in my office, in my house, on the earth. (You thought I was going to go through everything, didn't you? LOL) Yesterday was a hard day, but with help. I went out and spent some time with Breanna. Bean was sleeping so we had a really good talk. It was nice. It was so good for me to get dressed and get out of the house. I have to try to do that more often. It's definitely an area of weakness for me. When I got home, Andy came over with tea and we visited for a bit. It was nice to see him. The distraction was welcomed as well. Speaking of getting out - I miss volunteering at the courthouse. Sonja's currently off work, so I'm not sure if she would still be able to get me there or if I would have to speak with someone else. I'll get hold of Sonja soon. That would be nice again. Briefly spoke with Drey on the phone. We're going to get together this week for a sit down - to air things out. Spring clean.

I'm thinking about my mortality again and I'm upset. I'm concerned that I'm going to get prematurely stuck in a closet, left to rot. Darrin is my only advocate when it comes to my mental health. He's the only one who's lived through it all. He's the only one who understands what things are like for me. He knows how things work and what happens and all the intricacies of dealing with the mental health system. He doesn't believe I'm crazy, whether I'm manic or depressed or level. He trusts me to know what is best for my body and mind. He pays attention to me and recognizes when things are changing. He sees things before I do and tips me off that something may be coming. He is truly my Rock. Our kids. I thought being raised by a parent with a mood disorder would enable them to be more sensitive and understanding when it comes to mental illness. While I know they have a better understanding than most people, the empathy fluctuates. I think it'

You say: You are demanding. You always expect us to help you. Our 80 year old neighbour does more than you. You never give us time. Yes, we said you're welcome, but now that we're both working we have less time to fit things in. You make us wonder if we shouldn't have bought in the Fort - maybe we should've picked the city. I hear: I am bad. I'm lazy. I bother others. My 'support network' has gotten smaller yet again. I'm not a priority. I didn't give enough. I was and still am a critical and detestable mother. I carried you, raised you, let you and your fiance live with us for 17 months so you could buy a house in Fort Saskatchewan . Time for me to quit writing. That last sentence was a tad snippy. Just part of being a bad person, I guess. Toodles.

Still. Pinball. Tired. Confused. Critical. Powerless. Hurt. Lonely. Dismayed. Inadequate. Vulnerable. Alone. Averse. Facetious. Depressed. Hesitant. Sad. Still.

Given my last post, I feel it necessary to point out someone who means the world to me: Auntie Bonnie. I was having a very, very bad day and talked with her on fb. She immediately dropped everything and called me. Just so I could hear her voice and so she could hear mine. I played off everything I was feeling and going through. She asked the right questions, showed concern without being condescending and was just there. She was just there when I needed her, asking and listening and helping me through my world, as dysfunctional as it is. I love you my friend. PS - Miss you Kalyssa and Booboo

I discovered something today. No matter how low you are or how much you need to talk with someone, almost no one will say anything ... including your own family. I was told that I could lean on certain family members anytime I needed them. I could call, text, go over ... no matter what, they'd be there for me. I explained what could happen and how I could feel. I thought I did a good job preparing them. Well ... As you know, I was very suicidal a few weeks ago. Kiershyn and Joanna didn't understand where I was at or what I was saying. The thought I was being selfish and all the other things attributed to someone with a mood disorder. Last night was a bad night. There were a lot of places I could think of to be other than in my house. I called Drey to see what they were doing. In a rushed voice, he rambled through he and Jo finally having a night and morning to themselves (what was the night before that??) and they wanted to be alone. OBVIOUSLY, Joanna had today off, or th

I continue to believe that life happens. Not for reason; it just happens. That's not to say that circumstances don't play on events, but the start of something just starts. Mr. Stephen Hawking died March 14th.  Such an amazing, intelligent, intellectual man. His words play on my mind often. This is my absolute favourite quote: I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark. I'm not afraid of death, but I'm in no hurry to die. I have so much I want to do first. We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special. Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.  The past, like the future, is indefinite and exists only as a spectrum of possibilities. I'm an atheist. We are in danger of destroying ourselves

This is a repost from 2015. Wanted to share again. Monday, February 29, 2016 Pondering I've been doing a lot of reading on bipolar disorder. Trying to read without triggers affecting me. Trying to see that I'm "normal" and that others have been where I'm at, at different times. An article I just finished reading talks about what might have been. It's really got me thinking about the past 30 odd years of dealing with this disorder. What might have been? I would have been a nicer person. Less angry. Less mean. Able to hold a job longer than 2 years. Less destructive. I was a nice person though. A lot of the time. And I didn't let my anger rule me always. I loved deeply and liked most. I was a good worker who excelled in my career field and worked up through the ranks to the top. Unfortunately, I fell from the pedestal in a massive cycling disaster. Again. Now? I like to think I've gotten better over the years. I've conquered some of my

Today I found a picture of Jax when he was a baby. Oh he was such a little dickens - little ears halfway up, more brown than the black and sable he has now. Just so sweet. I'm so thankful we got Jax. He's such a good buddy. A great dog all around. Protector, snuggler, pain in the butt, playful, energetic, gives great kisses and loves Ariya and Hendrix so much. He makes me feel so safe. I know no one will ever come into my house without me knowing and whoever it is will be confronted by a 100 lbs of barking and growls and snarls. Well, it's time to head to bed. Tomorrow is a certain daughter-in-law's 24th birthday! This one picture was published on facebook, so we're good to go. Toodles! Save Save

I found this while looking through my documents. Just some of my thoughts from Jan 2015. Reflections Procrastination. I am procrastinating. About everything, not just food. No matter the amount of coaching from Kathleen, nor the talking with Theresa, nor self talk - I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. Sitting on the edge on a merry-go-round. Watching everything go past. Seeing mostly the same things over and over, every so often something new or something gone. The Circle of Food. Why are my wheels spinning with food? Do I know what to do with food? After a little more research, it would appear 1200-1500 is where I want to be to make some changes to my body. 1800 keeps me around 190 lbs which is just too much. There’s always room for fruits and veggies, but be sure to have proteins as well – and some carbs too. So I know what to do with it but how about actually eating it and desiring what I’m eating. Kathleen and I have talked about setting alarms, but I haven’t done i