Tulip's Tantrums

 It is one of those days. A day when I can think of nothing better than not being here. I know without a doubt now that my depression has returned. It's been here for a while but was hiding behind rapid-cycling with hypo-manic fun. I posted the following on facebook: The big topic in mental health is reaching out, talking and having someone listen. People are busy with their lives, though. When you are flailing and need to cry into someone's ear, possibly get a hug - call someone. Unfortunately, a crisis that can fit between 7-8, then that's great. No? I can get back to you tomorrow between 12 and 2. Oh, you'll be dead by then? Hmm, I'll put you on a cancelation list. Yes, I'm being facetious but this is how both sides feel. One side is gasping for air, and the other side is busy and terrified of what to say. Neither is wrong, it's just life circumstances and how things work. If you're in crisis, reach out. If you are asked to listen, do your best. Conta...

 I forgot to write about Vegas! We went March 7-10 with our friends, Lori and Earl. We stayed at the Plaza Hotel and Casino on Fremont Street. We had a good time walking around and seeing the sites. All was well and good until our last day. We had a couple hours until we had to leave for the airport, and Lori and I wanted to hit up the gift shop. 'Hit up' was an understatement. On the way into the store, I tripped on a raised part of the floor (yes, it was marked). I fell face first into the keychain display on the front of the till. I ripped open my forehead and my jaw. Two of the prongs struck either corner of my eye, inside and outside. I cringe to think what would have happened if I hit 1/2" to the left or right. I could have injured or lost my eye! Although I absolutely despise these scars, I'm thankful it didn't happen. I had fantastic service from the paramedics on the way to the hospital. Their treatment was above and beyond. When we arrived at the hospital...

 Tyler and Kiershyn's little girl will be arriving before Pōpa gets home in 14 days. I am so excited. Another little human to fall in love with. Being a granny is truly different than being a mommy. Granny gets to snuggle and hand back when they're cranky. Granny gets to whisper in their ear, all the loving things I have to say. Granny gets to enjoy watching them grow and capturing their accomplishments. Granny gets to share unconditional love. It amazes me how, when I first met Ariya and Hendrix, I fell completely in love. The little hand wrapped around my finger and heart immediately, just like with my kids. Incredible. Cubby is a little girl - size wise. Just over 5 lbs, she's in the 25th percentile. That's not bad. She's going to be a little smudge. I know she's going to be perfect. She's 1/4 me, so there's no doubt. I can't wait for Ariya and Hendrix to meet her. Especially Ari. She's at the perfect baby age. Heck, she can unofficially babys...

 I posted my regular abortion post on the r/abortion sub reddit. It reads as follows: Providing Abortion Support to Her/Him/Them with Uteruses in Edmonton and Area Are you facing an abortion and have no support? Do you have questions but can't find the answers? Are you transgender, non-binary, Indigenous, far from the city, and have concerns about facing adversity, stigma and discrimination? Do you need a ride to the clinic and home afterwards? No one can accompany you into the clinic, but the medical staff will take good care of you. If you are outside the Edmonton area, we can arrange transportation, accommodations and emergency child care, if needed. There is no cost to you. If you need to talk, vent, or have questions, reach out. No one should be alone. You can reach me on here at r/AlbertaAbortionDoulas or by email at albertaabortiondoula@gmail.com You are not alone. If you are interested in helping our network through volunteering or donations, please visit our site at albert...

 I haven't held or kissed you in 32 years. I miss your touch. Your arms wrapped around me. Supporting my soul as I lay in your loving embrace. My mom died on this day. I tried to make sense of everything. Nothing worked. The pain tore my heart into a million pieces. Everything was being ripped apart. I felt the piece of me that died with her. That piece is gone forever but memories of her love continue to fill in that hole. Each little bit of love makes its way to help me. Thank you to everyone who helps me slowly become a full person again. Vivienne Anne Kozakevich opened her eyes on September 13, 1949. Her eyes closed forever on February 13, 1991. Forever You open your eyes To the bright world Precious and new You take your first breath Your destiny is to give love You do so without reservation With all you are Your empathy and kindness abound As with everyone It happens Life speeds up Everything blurs like a merry go round It’s going too fast You push yourself To hold tight and ...

 Ariya's birthday is coming up next Friday. We are so excited to celebrate it with her. We got her a new dress and purse, so she can dress up fancy because we are going to Jubilations Junior to see Shrek!!! Peanut loves going to plays; this will be our second one. I got a new gown so I match her fancy ensemble. We are going to have a great time! Bean's birthday is coming up in March! He is really into Pokemon, so we got him a 200 card set (with no duplicates) and a new bathing suit because he and Pōpa are going to Millennium Place to go swimming, then they're going out for supper! I'm sure Hendrix is going to love it. Darrin is on a 10/4 shift for the last time. He then switches to a 14/7. I prefer that because he has a little more time to rest up at home (and get the honey-do list tackled). This job is 2-3 years, so it's a little bit of an undertaking. They're setting up right now; Darrin says the workload is unreal. Hopefully things settle down a little once t...

 There are some very strange people running amuck in this world. How come every single seems to bump into me for some reason? There's a person I met through another friend. She struck me as being quite normal. We had good coffees together. Our morales seemed to align. We even had a girls night where 5 of us doing crafts and eating too much. It was fun. I offered to help this person get her resume together and find a job. I did the resume, as well as another letter on a different topic, and started sending her jobs from indeed. I spoke with her on the phone about some of the jobs, and told her to send me any she found and I would do up a cover letter for each. That was the last I heard. I texted and emailed her but to no avail. It is really weird. Like she dropped off the face of the planet. I absolutely hate this word but she "ghosted" me. Like one of us just isn't here anymore. It is so freaking weird! Easy come, easy go. Better to have found out early rather than ye...

 Kiershyn is expecting her first baby at the end of April. A little girl who I've nicknamed Cubby. Kier is Miss Bear, so it just made sense for babe to be Cubby. (A special thank you to Auntie Joanna for the suggestion.) Here is her latest ultrasound picture: I can't wait for her to arrive. Precious, wee one. <3 

  Medical Assistance in Dying is Canada's new law, effective March 17, 2021. Dying with Dignity explains it well. Eligibility for persons suffering from mental illness Canadians whose only medical condition is a mental illness, and who otherwise meet all eligibility criteria, will not be eligible for MAID until March 17, 2023. This includes conditions that are primarily within the domain of psychiatry, such as depression and personality disorders. It does not include neurocognitive and neurodevelopmental disorders, or other conditions that may affect cognitive abilities. This temporary exclusion will provide the Government of Canada with more time to study how MAID on the basis of a mental illness can safely be provided and to ensure appropriate safeguards are in place to protect those persons. To support this work, the law requires the Ministers of Justice and Health to initiate an expert review, which will be tasked with considering protocols, guidance and safeguards for MAID f...

  Jessie Armand came through again with an incredible 1/2 back piece. I'm so happy with how it turned out. It wasn't even that painful! Jessie's got a light hand and goes so fast and precisely that it's over before you know it! Jessie had some free time on Sunday, so Darrin decided to get another tattoo. This one is his name in Viking runes, as well as his birthdate rune and his birth time rune. It looks pretty cool.   I've been tracking Santa through NORAD . Right now he's at Antalya, Turkey. He's making good time. The reindeer must have been very restless to get going and now they're flying faster than ever before! I can't wait to hear what he brings everyone. It is so so exciting! What is your special day in December? There are certainly a lot of holidays and observances. December 1 National Christmas Lights Day National Cookie Cutter Day National Women Support Women Day World AIDS Day Romania Independence Day Rosa Parks Day Peppermint Bark Day ...

 Here is what I sent Jessie (coloured) and his design (black and white). I'm very excited. I hope you look closely and see the cool part.

I'm not sure if I mentioned I'm going to be a granny again! My third grandchild, and second granddaughter, is due to greet the world April 28, 2023. That is just before Pōpa's 54th birthday :) Daddy Tyler and Mommy Kiershyn are so very excited with her upcoming arrival. I remember how excited we were with our kids - it's a great feeling. Kiershyn has started to feel baby get the zoomies, so that is really good. I knew it would happen sooner or later; it's just the biggest miracle when it happens - feeling that life inside you. I'm so happy and excited for them. I love the nicknames I have for the kids. Ariya suits Peanut and Hendrix is such a Bean; they really suit their names! For this baby, Auntie Joanna suggested the name Cubby. She chose this because I call Kiershyn Miss Bear that it would be great to call this babe Cubby. I agreed. Now I'm in the process of writing a little song to whisper sing to the wee one. I can't remember if I ever wrote Peanut...

 I spent two days scanning old family pictures, from 1977 to about 1986. It was good to get them done; I've been meaning to do it for a while. It was nice seeing people and reliving memories. Peanut and Bean spent the night. It was supposed to be our date night, but somehow it got changed. I'm not very impressed, to be honest. Bre knew about it but she and Braunt still asked Darrin, who didn't know anything about our evening and said yes to Hendrix coming. Then, somehow, Ariya got added to the mix. They're never a problem to have stay over; it was just different circumstances this time. It is what it is. Rika was over the moon seeing the kids and ended up spending time with Ari, who carted her all over the place. I was talking with Carolyn last night. She has her laser eye surgery consultation next week and then the surgery will be about 6 weeks afterwards. I'll be taking her to the surgery and bringing her home. I'm sure it will go well for her. I'm struggl...

 I listen but I don't hear very well. I don't retain short-term information. I flipped out at Woodsie because of his "diagnoses" of BPD and cPTSD, which he changed from when we first spoke. According to Woodsie, I have some BPD characteristics but do not have BPD. As for cPTSD, he says I have PTSD, because cPTSD isn't in the DSM or ICD yet. Once it's medically recognized, then I suppose it will change to complex. I'm coming up to my 5th session of ACT, with Lareina and Connie. I'm learning well, but not really applying. I'm struggling with addiction as well as irritability and being irrational. When my brain is pressuring me to partake, I'm not using my values to influence my choices. Instead, I'm ignoring my values. I was even considering just leaving out my past week from Lareina, in essence lying, rather than have to face my demons and admit I let myself down. Woodsie is focusing more on the pot than the other. He says I'm using too ...

 The joys of having mental disorders. I just read a blog post " Bipolar is a Progressive, Organic Brain Disease. Medication Helps Stop Damage to Brain. " This is rather disconcerting. Of course, our brains deteriorate as we age, but unmedicated or unregulated medications can cause worse damage. The big one is manic and hypomanic episodes. Those ones really kick you in the ass. The more episodes, the more brain damage, the more likely some form of dementia. Here is your brain and your brain on bipolar disorder, albeit an euthymic brain. In simple terms, euthymia is the state of living without mood disturbances. It's commonly associated with bipolar disorder. While in a euthymic state, one typically experiences feelings of cheerfulness and tranquility. A person in this state may also display an increased level of resiliency to stress. Another definition: "In psychiatry and psychology, euthymia is a normal, tranquil mental state or mood. In those with bipolar disorder, ...

 Here's a picture from a few days ago. I ask myself, "Do I look 54?" So I perused some info on it and 54 can look anywhere from 30 to 80 years. Some are gorgeous while others look like they were put away wet or hit by a truck. I read a couple of articles by Dave Mowry . One in particular, Which 'Bipolar Me' is Going to Wake Up Today? , is similar to my experiences. Many of Dave's articles resonate with me. The problem with being happy is that I don't know if I'm happy because I'm level or because I'm becoming hypomanic. When I'm feeling good, I don't want  to know why; I just want to enjoy my life and at that point, I am. It's important to pay attention to myself in happy times because those times are more dangerous than depression. When I'm depressed, I'm depressed. That's just what it is. When I'm hypomanic things can go downhill quickly. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a wiki about Bipol...

I've been looking at pictures and for some reason nursery rhymes and songs came into my head. Oh Dear! is one my nana used to sing to me. She used to sing all the time. I loved it. She played piano, organ and accordion, completely self taught. I got my love of piano from her. I remember tinkering on the keys and getting myself into trouble. The time came when Nana was selling her piano and we got it! I promptly started piano lessons and the rest is history. Mostly because I take a lonngggg time to play a song now. Ariya tried out piano last year. It wasn't really her thing. We did get a little music reading and theory and songs into her, so that's good. I'd like Hendrix to pick up an instrument, but he is just WAY too busy right now. He's got a squirrel running in him that keeps whipping him around in different directions all the time. Darrin got home yesterday. He's finally done travelling for a little while. He's off to Shell for a few months. It will be ...

 I can't believe I haven't written since July! What a slacker I am. It's not just on here: I bought a 5-year diary to capture family happenings. I write in it a little more than here, but not much. It's going to be slim pickings to read it 50 years from now. The support group didn't work out. They talked about everything except what we were there to discuss. It was disappointing. Live and learn. A psychologist friend is starting group sessions on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It's similar to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), with the focus being on the present and future with skills to deal with the past. Mostly about mindfulness, which I can certainly use more of. We'll see how the group goes. Time will tell. Darrin's worked two sets north of Timmins, Ontario. I guess it's been quite the ordeal. They certainly don't follow safety like Western Bird employees. He gets to come home on the 17th and...

 I joined an online support group. It's for people with the co-morbidities of substance abuse and a mood disorder. This was my second meeting. I felt at ease at this meeting and how it went. It's nice to hear that someone else goes through what you do, and hear the things they try in their life that have and haven't worked. I'm looking at getting a Line a Year, 5 Year Journal. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I'm sure it will prove interesting. Zoom. Well, that's got a bit of a learning curve. It's easy to accept a meeting and figure out how to unmute yourself, but I downloaded it and tried to invite Darrin to a meeting. You would have thought I was trying to reinvent the wheel. After much conversing and testing and a little arguing, we got it. Now I'm ready to be on my first podcast ever! We're starting with Zoom and finishing with just audio. The Missing Witches have a weekly podcast that garners around 2500 d/l each episode. I wil...

 Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a devastating disorder that wreaks havoc with not only the person who has it, but with everyone involved with that person. "Borderline Personality Disorder Isn't an excuse, It's an explanation ," is an article written by Emily Burt and is on The Mighty  site. Emily's words resonate with me. There is an explanation for our actions and reactions, and Emily has captured it wonderfully. It's likely no one will ever read this blog and click the links to Emily's article. If, however, you or someone you know has BPD or any mental illness, tell them about The Mighty site. It's for patients, family and friends, or just someone curious of what everything is about. My mental illness includes Bipolar Disorder (BP), Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), as well as a little anxiety. My mood has been slightly hypomanic for the past year. Unfortunately, it got a little out of hand, so I spoke with my p-doc (psychiat...

 Lila Smith has been missing since last Friday, June 24th. She has been found - ALIVE ! Lila was found in Oregon with a 41-year-old Oregon man. The man has been charged with Child Luring, with more charges likely to follow. I cannot remotely begin to fathom what these past 8 days have been like for Lila's parents, sister, family and friends. This is everyone's worst nightmare. Why this man was in Canada and picked Killarney School to find a victim is beyond me, however, police must have known something to be looking in the States and having the FBI involved. There's no way you just pick a state and find an abducted child. Regardless, she's on her way home and that's all that matters.

 It's 3:45AM and I'm up again. A few hours late in wishing everyone a good Canada Day. Meh It was a good day. Breanna and the kids came in, and Jessica (Bre's sister) joined us. We walked down to where I had placed our chairs and blanket (at 6AM), and watched the parade. The rain held off until the firetrucks went past (the end of the parade), but then it poured for a good while. I went to Lori and Earl's, and stayed for a yummy supper of deluxe nachos and dry ribs mmmmm. Got home and dressed Ellie, then put her in the new pet stroller and went down to Legacy. She really enjoyed looking out of the mesh and over the top; I think she appreciated not having to walk with her little hips being so stiff and sore. We stayed for a little bit, saw Earl and Lori again, grabbed some fries and walked home. Here's a pic of Peanut and me at the parade. I wonder what Zinger and Magnus will think of the stroller. They've adjusted to their harnesses quite easily, and they're...

What is considered justice? When is a result by the courts truly just? Is something just because a judge and/or jury says so? Because the prosecution or defence argued better? Damien Christopher Starrett (ds) has been found guilty of manslaughter in the death of Ares, and common assault in the horrendous physical and mental abuse of Ares' 5-year-old sister. WHAT THE FUCK? "While providing a summary of his findings, the judge [who, for whatever reason, is unnamed in the article] said the boy was "punched, kicked, stomped in the head," and died as a result of multiple head injuries." It is absolutely horrendous that Ares was murdered. Please don't forget his sister. That little girl witnessed everything that the judge heard. She witnessed it first hand. Little ones are easily broken. That poor little babe. May her memories of that day be washed from her so that she may live without the tragedy weighing on her life. Is the judge going to take into consideration...

 Happy Father's Day to all the incredible men out there who love and support their children. Darrin is an amazing dad, and I'm so thankful for all his love and support for our family. As we all say, time passes quickly. Until I start thinking of things past, I never realize how quickly time is flying. Except when I see Ariya and Hendrix. They are cool little people who are growing so fast it's freaky. My Nana told me not to wish my babies away; love them and cherish the time as it goes by too fast. She was so very wise, not that everyone in my family would agree with me. Nana taught me a lot of things. She was a good Nana and I loved her so much. I didn't wish my babies away, although some days I thought my mind was blown and I probably did wish a little. Three babies in 28 months was definitely a challenge. Now I have three babies in their 30's! How the hell did that happen? LOL What's new? Hmmm. Drey and Joanna came over for supper last night. We had bbq chick...

 I went to bingo with Bre and Peanut. Then, surprise! Braunt and Hendrix joined us. They brought the luck with them. Hendrix, Bre and Braunt all bingo'd - Braunt won twice! The first place prize was the father's day special - 2 steaks and 2 baked potatoes; the boys each one this. Bre won kubasa and Braunt won chocolate covered almonds. A pretty good haul. In other news, I've been in physio for 5 weeks for hip flexor problems. Urvi worked out the problems in the tendons in my groin, but now the fronts of my legs and deep in my hips are sore. Hopefully only a few more weeks and everything will be healed. One of Darrin's back molars has decided to almost  fall out - it would be better if it did - and he's in excruciating pain. Thankfully he goes to the dentist this afternoon to have it yanked. He'll feel a lot better with it gone. Sold the phones, so that's a nice thing. Unfortunately, not the car yet. If it doesn't sell, it doesn't sell. It's not h...

  Demons. So very true. Popping up at the most inopportune times; I feel like I'm in a death grip.

 The sixth wave of the pandemic is hitting China full force. It's the Omicron BA.2 virus this time. According to one doctor I saw, he's saying BA.2 will cause symptoms like Omicron and that a fourth booster will only provide a minute amount of efficacy. I wonder what's going to happen on our continent? Will it be like February 2020? Will everything shut down again and masks are mandatory and (it seems) every illness and death will be blamed on BA.2?  How quickly is this going to happen? What did it take the first time? A month from China to North America? I don't remember. Hell, 2 years of this was enough. How many more times are these viruses going to mutate? Onto the war ... The Russians and Ukrainians had talks, accomplishing absolutely nothing. In fact, the Russians went through Bucha and tortured, raped and killed civilians, to the extreme. Genocide at its finest. What does the POTUS say? He says Putin is guilty of war crimes and he needs to be prosecuted. Biden is...

 This getting up at all hours of the morning is for the birds. Hell, even they aren't up yet. One of the joys of being me. All is pretty good here. Everyone's healthy, fed, roof over their heads, more things than they know what to do with. Very fortunate. I see all the people from Ukraine with their meagre belongings. Carrying their children and pets. Trying anything to get out of the war zone. The Russians had a little cease fire when they told the Ukrainians they could send their civilians out. It was very short lived; the Russians attacked the civilians and many were killed and wounded. I ask myself how someone could shoot another person, let alone a small child. How do you do that??? Speaking of killing people, what of Damien Starrett? On trial for killing his one year old baby, and assaulting his then 5 year old daughter by punching her three times in the head. His defence is that he had changed sleeping pills and was incoherent when the murder occurred. Damien's going...